Weblog
Wednesday, 07 October 2009
-
Things need to change.
It's October, I can't believe it. I still feel like I'm dreaming, I can't believe it's almost been one whole year since you left us. It still feels like you're here, I just really miss you, and can't accept the fact that I won't ever see you again. A year feels like a month, and time just blends. Another one of picaso's paintings, a rage of colour: deep blue, blood red and gray. The void won't be filled, it will not become bright again. The switch is broken and you're on vacation, I wish you'd come back. I wish you'd wake up, open your eyes. There is no above and below. This limbo land life is nauseating. What happened to the sun?...Where there was once life, where there was once hope, where there was once you. This storm has stolen my soul. I will not continue to motion through this life. There is no out unless miles are involved. I need gas and speed.
Monday, 09 March 2009
-
FUCK, JUST FUCK FUCK FUCK.why can't i care? and why do i want to kill myself so badly? why can't i just grab the guts to do it? why don't you love me anymore? i hate myself so much that no one could ever love me. i growing to hate my mother. i am losing my mind. i wanted nothing more then to plunge that knife into her heart, i don't want to hate her. i don't want to hate my dad, he is my bestfriend. i am turning for the worst, and fast. spirling further into the rabbit hole than i have ever been before. throw some rails and a knife into the mixture and hello three years ago. i am unbelieveably massive. i'm not being dramatic, i believe this with my whole heart[whatever that is worth], 100%. i am not attractive at all. i just want to cut it all off. i need to restrict to nothing, so i can rebuild. i need a new convas. i want out. and with all the praying i've done to "God", he has taken everyone around me whom i've loved and left me shattered. i want to care so much, i just can't. i am a defect. someone forgot to insert that part in me on the assembly line. this could be the death of me, and i wish nothing more than just that.
you're right, i don't care. i just don't. i haven't ever. caring makes you vulnerable. caring means rejection, and i am too stubborn to care.
fuck you all. i did everything i possibly could. one day, one day and that's it. well let me tell you something.. i call bull shit. i come to all the pointless stuff, and in the end i get screwed over. truth always comes out in the end my friends. i hope you're all prepared to watch me slip. there is only one person who might truly know what it looks like to see me lose myself. and he is the only person who may truly know me. i am nuts. no obody my mind. time to hide the kitchen cutlery folks.
i just want to slice the pain away. i need to know where it's coming from. where is all this madness and rage accumulating from? the rips take my mind off the tears in my soul. chip off the old block. throw the axe away, i need to run from this lumber jack, he's chopping me down. TIMBER she's done.
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
-
every sign is pointing me in one direction, but it's not the road i wish to lose myself on. i miss my world. it was our bubble, nothing could harm us but ourselves, and now i am at the hands of the people. i am vulnerable to anything and everything, the bubble popped years ago, but i've been depesperatley trying to get it back. hell has frozen over, it's the beginning of the end. 1,2,3,4.........5678. they're just numbers but i'm nothing without them. nothing but another face in the crowd, another lost soul swimming in the fish bowl of life. i want the ocean. less, less,less, but i'm just more. more than you ever baragained for. you always were my knight. i wanted to drown.
if i can't remember then it doesn't mean anything. i never wanted to refer to you as a sickness, but it seems thats what this is has become. this virus is weighing down on me, but the doc says it's self healing. i'd rather just forget. if i don't think about it, it never happened, and it's not real. i'm living in a dream world, my eyes have been fogged over for months now and there is no sign of the sun coming out anytime soon. i'm frigid and my heart is ice. my moods match the weather and right now i'm frozen. my tongue has been stuck to you, and this pole for years. two choices, and neither of them are for the better. stuck with you or risk losing my tongue. no more speech, no more expression. i run, but have no heart left to keep going, i'm running on empty and it's starting to show. it's time for a tune up, but the mechanic says she's toast. don't eat that toast, you fat shit. it starts with one, but then it doesn't stop. shovel the sand into your pale like it's the last time you'll ever feel it underneath your toes. wait 30 minutes before swimming after you eat.. but you're stubborn and dive in anyways. the salty blue hits you and takes over. you're an anchor, take me with you.
Tuesday, 04 November 2008
-
i'm starting new. a huge change is about to take place tonight, and a huge change will take place in me. i can't stop the voices. they're getting stronger everyday. i'm not asking to be like this. i'm not doing this just as a quick way to lose weight. it's her, she's taking over me. everythings spinning out of control.
i'm going to make a plan:
--no more than 100 calories a day.
--four sets of 50 situps morning,evening and before bed.
--3 sets of 1 minute wall sits " "
--run through the park every morning.
theres a break down, now of course let's give more detail.
Monday-Friday:
7:10am - wake up.
730am - sit up sets,wall sits.
8:00am- shower
8:30am - get ready
9:15am - school.
4:00pm- park run.
6:00pm - sit up sets, wall sits.
8:00pm - homework/puff down[no munch down]
10:00pm - bed.
and we all plaster on the fake smiles and the "no thank you's" to lunch dates with our so called best friends just to have some grasp on this whirlwind of life. you're pulling me right but i have to go left. i have to go left and leaving from you. run away to the mountains, to the highest peak i can find, and if you find me there, then you win. i can't lose in this game again. it's just another round of ping pong but no matter how many times we go back and forth the ball always seems to be in your court. i'm slipping through syllables and numbers, i'm flying on mary poppins umbrella and floating to the roof with every laugh i burst out. she's waiting up there for me, with a cup of tea and scone, it's not happening, she twists my wrist, but i can't. i show weakness just to get back down to solid ground, to control.
save me, my love. come back.
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
-
Lost. The leaves have not started to fall, but my tree already feels bare. They have all fallen and been picked up and lost by the wind. Every last one has vanished just like every last bit of me. Realization is a word that’s come very familiar to me lately. I’m not sorry for what I’ve put you through. One year is nothing compared to the years I’ve lost to you. You’ve left me in the middle of the woods with no compass and no map to return to the life before you. There is no more love left, just jealousy. I don’t know you anymore, and you do not know me. I’ve been left with nothing but a memory of a boy I once knew that has become nothing but a stranger, a figment of my imagination I suppose.
The curtains rise and they fall. Scenes come and they go, but the show must go on. I’m lost between reality and a dream. Can this be real? Could I be real? Who is to know anymore? The constant ups and downs are eating me alive, or I wish they would. The weight of me is almost unbearable. I used to be full of life but the storm has taken over and the sun never seems to shine anymore. I guess I’ll never find the end of the rainbow.
“Destiny and fate” leave me wondering if in the end we will meet the new people we’ve become, but my worst fear is walking down the street years from now and passing by without recognizing those wonderful eyes. Time is slipping between our fingers and I wish I could wake up and smell the fucking coffee already. I push away people like diseases as soon as they start caring or getting too close. Before I know it all that will be left will be the cats licking my dead corpse. It’s raw and dark but will that be my destiny? Can we change our destiny? Or is it written in the stars, unchangeable? No psychiatrist or doctor can give me these answers or medicate me enough to figure them out myself. So I wonder what or who can make sense of all the thoughts in my head. I’m tired of being the paint, getting washed off as soon as you need a different color. Role reversal is the answer but how can I bring myself to be that brush, how can I start creating such beauty, such life. I need to become the artist.
Fact of the matter is I’m surrounded by hundreds of people that care, but I’ve never felt more alone. I need a rock. All I have are pebbles, but they are easily kicked away if I feel the need to drag my feet. Truth is I need a rock to trip me and wake me out of this gloomy coma I’m stuck in.
